My Life As An Imposter

As I sat in Mr. Bergreen’s class in March of 2018, I made a decision that would follow me for the rest of my life; I decided to Major in Computer Science. Although I did not know it then, this decision also set me on the fast track to becoming an Imposter.

Shaky Beginnings

When I first chose Computer Science in high school, I believed that my love for video games and electronics were all it took to enjoy a degree in Computer Science. Boy, I was wrong. Within two semesters of College, I knew that Computer Science was not the silver bullet that I was hoping for; plenty of my assignments were dull and monotonous, and lacked the creativity that I craved.

Every class seemed like I was being force-fed dry, analytical content over-and-over, drowning me in a sea that lacked creativity and freedom. When it comes to math, there always is a best way to do things, unlike with writing.

I very quickly became intimidated by my peers academically. Whenever I sat in class completely stumped by a question the professor asked, multiple students would raise their hands. Each answer given was beautiful, and made me feel, frankly, inferior. Why could these students understand the content perfectly when I was struggling?

Fuel to the Imposter’s Fire

Later on, I realized that this intimidation followed me into the dorms. My roommate – a guy I have known since middle school – was simultaneously my best friend and a source of my newly developed Imposter Syndrome.

You see, my roommate J was (and still is) completely brilliant, unlike myself. He always learned things down to their most fundamental level. As a result he was always present and punctual in class. He knew the answers when I did not, and when I did know them, he knew the answers better. The harder the question, the more excited he was to learn. This was completely opposite to me, who just wanted to think of the most creative solution, rather than the most optimal.

When the Covid-19 pandemic hit and we were forced to go home, things went spiraling downward even further for me at first. When I was one of the lucky ones to get an internship in 2020, my Imposter Syndrome just increased. I mean, the internship asked so little of me, and yet I struggled to even do that? I must be unskilled. There’s no way I can make it, right?

Imposter Syndrome’s Vicious Cycle

During the full length of my junior year, my feelings of resentment towards myself only increased. I compared myself to others more, I did worse in classes, my mental health drastically deteriorated, and I felt my grip slipping away on my degree. At least before the pandemic I had classmates I could confide in about my insecurities. But now that was largely gone.

 Looking back, I realize that my imposter syndrome was inspired largely because of 5 simple things that I did:

1. Compare myself to other students.
2. Disparage myself because I did not understand things well enough.
3. Begin to believe I couldn’t do it.
4. Give up before even trying because I’m ‘An Imposter’.
5. Repeat.

For anyone reading this who has suffered or is currently suffering from Imposter Syndrome, do those points at all ring a bell? I’ll bet that they do, and I understand completely.

Conquering My Imposter Syndrome

In some ways, the pandemic eventually helped me become sure of myself. I was no longer rooming with J, and because of that I had my own space to grow and develop without comparing myself to him. The time away helped me realize that my mind was just different – not inferior – to his. Today, I realize that I am a ‘right brained’ person in a ‘left brained’ degree, and that realization has helped me be kinder to myself.

Believe me when I tell you that it was not until the beginning of my Senior Year in Fall 2021 that I started to believe in myself for the first time. Instead of following the above steps, I tried my best to follow a new set of steps that ended up transforming the way I viewed myself. The actions I now take are as follows:

1. Don’t compare myself to others; focus on my own work and learning.
2. Let myself feel good after solving a difficult problem.
3. Try my best even if it’s hard.
4. Admit that I did the best I could, and turn the work in satisfied.
5. Repeat.

By following these steps instead, I realized that I learned more than I thought in the past four years. As it turns out, I actually WAS learning this whole time! Though I know I never will be the best in my career field, I am satisfied with that, because now I have a better idea of who I am.

I also found out that I had another interest that I loved far more than programming. Can you guess what it is? That’s right, writing! Not only is it important to not compare yourself to others, but I believe it is crucial to find other hobbies! Do not make your major your sole focus in your life. Instead, create some space between you and your major, and you will see your mental health drastically improve.

Reflections of a Former Imposter

If I chose a major like Creative Writing that mirrored what I loved doing, then things would have been different. But then I would have never learned the life lessons that came with overcoming my imposter syndrome. Because of what I have learned, I am happy I chose Computer Science. And hey, I might not have found my passion in Game Development without CS!

I am not a real imposter, and I never was. I graduated because I put the work in to earn my degree. So did you. You are where you’re at in your degree (or in your life) because you are worthy. It does not matter if your grades are not perfect, but what does matter is the heart and soul you have put into it. Trust in yourself, believe you can do it, and go do it!

If nothing else, let my life as an imposter be a lesson to you: no matter how bad you think you are, or how unconfident/unprepared you feel, things can and will get better. As long as you keep trying to learn, you will learn.